Naked America

America has gone naked.  We’re not a pretty people.  We’re pale and obese and uncomfortable in our birthday suits.  Nudity en masse, is OK.  Take naked bike riding.  It’s become commonplace.  Will is Homeless in Portland grew up in Arizona.  In Arizona, there was no nudity.  No nude beaches—no beaches of any kind.  The quickest way to kill a party was to drop your pants and climb in a pool or hot tub.

All the loose-talking, free-spirited women giving you the big-eye magically transmogrified into Presbyterian church ladies.  Oddly, there was a porn model who exposed herself at the ballpark one afternoon.  Will was lucky enough to be walking back to the office from lunch at the cantina and caught the tail end of her photo shoot.  Busty Rachel was her name.  That’s Rachel above, on the quad.

No naked bike riding in Phoenix.  These hard-core cyclists are obviously posing for a charity calendar.  Even post-menopausal librarians will strip to make a charity calendar.  But then, it’s not called nudity, it’s called the full monty.  Full monty is a term imported from the UK.  We don’t import many Britishisms into our language, because American women think that all British men are fags.  If you use their language, you’re a fag.  So, full monty is a term almost exclusively used by women. 

Utter a Britishism and, in women’s eyes, you become one of these guys.  Show me a man quoting Piers Morgan or Christopher Hitchens at a cocktail party and I’ll show you a man who ain’t getting any.  (“Ain’t getting any” is a barbaric Americanism meaning “practicing celibacy”)  Over there full monty means, “the whole enchilada”.  In the US, it’s a euphemism for full frontal nudity.  Which brings me to my point.  In the US, it’s cool to be naked if you’re on drugs, running from the cops or packing a gun.

This is what the average American male feels like when he’s on drugs, running from the cops or packing a gun.  Even when he’s naked.  As usual, Will cites examples:  a Florida man faces charges after wandering naked and packing a sidearm in the Uinta-Wasatch-Cache National Forest near Heber City, Utah.  Gives depth to the term The Naked Gun.  In League City, Texas, police found a naked, dehydrated man at the bottom of a 30-foot-deep manhole.  He’d allegedly been hiding from police after a domestic disturbance call.  Why do they call them manholes?  Salem, Oregon police responded to a disturbance when three men, allegedly high on LSD were reported to be fighting in the buff.  Anyway, gotta get dressed and find a free lunch.

Thank you very much.